i have either gained an inability or lost my ability to put emotions and thoughts into words. Gotten the strength to move on, and lost the strength to face my emotions. (Perhaps that isn't really moving on).

The presence of more people around me makes my distance from them more apparent. i have grown to be sure of how happiness isn't what i seek. There is no pure joy when everything is linked to thought. i fear joy, fear the inadequacy of emptiness. i do not believe in the acceptance of myself as a being, or to be able to accept the essence of a being. That makes concern conditional.

even as i try my best to delve deep and understand a being, i do not know how to love unconditionally. the closeness is false. the closeness of the mind is not closeness of the heart - that which is instinctual. i am, very instinctively, still very alone. i will appreciate only your thoughts, and you - only if you are your thoughts.

if this inability to help causes me to draw back - am i really caring for you in relation to myself, or purely caring for you?


the lizard is chirping to the correct rhythm and at the right places.